Miss Bells

Three mini sentences just like the three couples I’m surrounded by at this coffee shop called “D’cafe”. Maybe just ignore how this name makes no sense if you know anything about the french language. What’s funny is that on the drive here I was willing myself not to think about boys, men, partners in general. A relationship is dangerous for someone like me who doesn’t quite know what they want want, Because I’m at risk of becoming whatever he would want me to be. It’s almost happened to me before reader and I can NOT risk this e v e r a g a i n why do you think I have posted in so long? Recovering from a breakup really only takes a long and treacherous time if you’ve suffered from loss of self.

Since then every man or boy, because it’s been more boys than men if we’re being honest, every time i’ve been with someone I’ve learned a little more about myself. Even if it’s just how I interact with people. Will I be cowardly, will I handle myself well after, will I be sexy enough? These are all questions one will be faced with after a loss of self. Which is why I miss that French man, and yes I say man. Everything I did and said that night was just right. It just was.

Seeing a old friend is now more satisfying to me than making my man happy, especially when that old friend happens to be a old crush from last year, but that’s a story for never. I actually cried after I saw him, me, cried. It was just such a lovely interaction my brain gave me no other choice. I saw him from the distance and when you spend so much time looking over your shoulder for someone you can spot them from 100 yards away, and that’s what happened. I honestly felt relieved when I saw him. FInally just the two of us with the chance to prove we could still be friends. That’s why the tears came, I was just happy to feel like my friend was back.

College can be a messy business. There’s the business aspect that is just messy, colleges rely on us to buy their overvalued product. Make you think that’s the only right way forward. Then, at a small school like mine there’s just plain messiness. It feels like everyone knows everything about everyone, wouldn’t be nice if I were the lucky one exempted? Alas, I could not be so lucky. But I’ve learned some tried and true lessons the past year. One: Athletes get away with less here. Two: If you want to know who your real friends are take all your friends and slash that in half. If anyone who’s reading this, which is a really hopeful thing of me to say, but anyways if anyone is reading this ever felt compelled to change how you act, dress or talk to a person, institution or agency, get out. They aren’t worth your time. Live life on your’s and life’s terms, no one else’s. If I can escape changing for a man, then I know I can keep being myself at this place.

Alright until the next I pour my heart out on here,

-Miss. Bells