Miss Bells

What’s the difference between the family we choose and the family we’re related to? The ones we choose are hand picked to our delight. We can choose friends based on shared interests, What’s the difference between the family we choose and the family we’re related to? The ones we choose are hand picked to our delight. We can choose friends based on shared interests, personality, looks, and goals. Family on the other hand is based purely on chance. There is no guarantee what kind of family you’ll get and it certainly never goes to plan. In the laws of breeding two plus two do not equal four. They equal whatever random gene sequence that makes us, us. It doesn’t change no matter how hard you try to change them. You can help them, sure, but someone can only change a pattern if they decide to. 

Of course there’s things I’d like to change about my own family. I wish my brother had more confidence and could stand up for himself better to his friends and to our dad. I’ve talked to him about this multiple times but it hasn’t seemed to work. I wish my dad wouldn’t  get himself  so worked out about things he cannot change. He gets mad and stays mad replaying events over in his head finding new things to fixate on. I’ve talked to him about this multiple times but it hasn’t seemed to work. I wish my baby sister would be more empathetic and consider others feelings in situations. To respect boundaries and not feel the need to vie for attention. I’ve talked to her about this multiple times but it hasn’t seemed to work. 

If a friend has a bad pattern like choosing the wrong guy or drinking and driving you can drop them. You can’t drop your family. If they turn out to be lame, irresponsible and unsuccessful they become the thing you want to avoid in conversation. On the flip side if they become more successful, responsible and wealthier than you they become the thing you want to avoid in conversation. A loose, loose situation. 

Friends are the opposite though, if they are not as well off as you, unfortunately most times that can be used to make yourself better. Like “Well, I know my relationship is toxic and gone to shit at the moment but look at Diane. At least I don’t waste my money like her on takeout, vapes, and ubers.” Yes, although small and unintentional, all of us are guilty of using our friends to make ourselves feel better about ourselves at one point or another unless your the son of God. On the flip side a friend with better status, financially or socially can always be of service. “I know things are shit for me at the moment but at least I’m friends with Diane. She’s pretty, popular and successful. It must mean something that I’m friends with her.” And it becomes especially useful in a conversation with others like, “Oh Diane, yea I’m friends with her… Of course I’ve been on her boat, we’ve been friends for years!” Something like that creates an instant respect for the boaster of friendships. Whereas for your family if you brag about your better off sibling people will compare you and your status may decrease. What’s more is that the opinion of family is valued at a much higher price than the opinion of a friend. Although I may trust my friends’ opinions about a boy the most, the one that matters is my family’s for some backwards reason. I recently found out from a drunken slip up by my dad that my mom never liked my long term lover-Mr. Sparks even after the year we were together. Now yes, we had our faults, but even my dad was raving about how much he missed him (more than me really, it was strange.) If my dad could miss the boy that I loved, more than me, why hadn’t my mom liked him after a year? Once a family member’s opinion has formed is it set in stone? With their flaws and grievances family’s only guarantee you one thing at the end of the day, security. They are there. Forever and always. 

It’s been two weeks and two days since my special Spark otherwise known as Gabe and I have talked and one more week since I’ve seen him. We had a great second first date. Eight hours felt like two. We practiced what the Italians like to call, ‘The art of doing nothing’. I got a lot of practice for that today as well. I was thinking over the weekend since I’m back in town I’d text him, we promised to call each other whenever we wanted to.

I decided that I could either mope around and wait for him to call me or do it myself. So I did. I bit the bullet and after seven rings it went to voicemail. Obviously the phone didn’t hang up on its own. He texted that he ‘didn’t think that’s a good idea.’ … Okay? Why not? And was he ever planning to tell me this? Family members can’t ghost you like people in the real world can. 

Carlye told me that after I did it I would feel better no matter the outcome. If it went well then, hurray. If it went badly then I’d know for sure and could move on. I wasn’t hung up on him before the phone call. I thought I was doing him this huge favor by being the first to reach out. I thought I knew him so well after a year. That his same insecurities still applied and when I’d call he’d be reassured of my feelings towards him. Turns out he was hoping I’d forget about him. That we’d be done with each other, no harm done. He couldn’t even bother to give me an explanation. All I was told was that he didn’t think it was a good idea. He told me in a sentence fragment. And I quote, he “don’t think that’s a good idea.” I wasn’t even worth a full freaking sentence, it’s kind of funny really. (Without a noun there’s no knowing who thinks that it’s a bad idea. It could be his friends, mother, or a damn fish. I do have my suspicions though, that’s a story for another time.)

Mr. Morally superior, knows the good ideas from the bad ones and I seem to be put in category: BAD. Whatever, w h a t e v e r. He is smart though. To make me mad so I think about him longer. If that was his intent then it is working. Why do you think your siblings take pleasure in making you angry as a child. It’s because they get your attention, it’s because you care. Unlike siblings I can’t pester him until he gives up why. Why isn’t it a good idea?! That would be desperate. There’s too many rules, and I’m tired of them. 

I really can’t believe this. When I first read it I didn’t have a reaction. That’s how much I don’t believe it. After every fucking thing I don’t even deserve a explanation? When was I going to find out exactly? In his ideal world probably never. At the end of the day boys are just boys and family is family. Maybe if we were living with each other like families do fights would be over quicker and I would be unavoidable. Or living together creates more problems and fights like it seems to do to most married couples. 

Now I can see why my mom didn’t like him, even after a year. 

So maybe I’m not worth it to him, maybe I’m a bad idea. But I’d rather be a bad idea than a liar. Because I was good enough for him. I was good enough on our second first date when he kissed me. I was good enough when he wanted to come upstairs. I was good enough when he told me he loved me (I didn’t say it back.) Even if I never know what changed in him in these three weeks I’ll be just fine. I know all I need to. He either spent the thirty minutes in between my call and his text with his idiot friends who together formulated the greatest sentence fragment known to man. Or he sent it all by himself after his movie was over. I’m either an afterthought or an over thought. No thank you.